Settling Differences
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: During Nemesis, Thor and Teal'c realise they both have feelings for Jack! How will they settle this? Updated with an extra shiny second chapter, in which there is death, healing, and eloping. WARNING: it is silly. [Oneshot, expect no sequel]
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own Stargate SG-1 or anything like it.  
Setting: During Nemesis.

Settling Differences

Jack was trying to figure out Thor's communication device again. He liked this puzzle, trying different combinations of stones and seeing what kind of boring explanation about the ship it would give him. He hoped it didn't have a self-destruct combination. He didn't think Thor would appreciate him blowing up the ship.

Teal'c was watching over the resting Asgard. He didn't show it, but Teal'c was worried. Worried about the interest this alien had in O'Neill. That worry combined with his own feelings for the man had been all the motivation he needed to beam up aboard the Beliskner with Major Carter. She was currently in another part of the ship, investigating the engine room.

He didn't think O'Neill was aware of his feelings. Perhaps it was for the best. From the little Teal'c knew of Tau'ri mating rituals the military frowned upon male/male relationships. It made Teal'c very sad that he might never be able to act upon his feelings. But no one ever noticed Teal'c's sadness. This made him even sadder.

Thor slowly opened his eyes. "What is going on?" He asked softly. "Is there a solution?"

"Not that I am aware of. Major Carter is investigating another part of the ship, and O'Neill is studying the information you have left us." Teal'c said.

"And you are watching me." Thor concluded.

"Indeed." Teal'c said gravely.

"I get the impression that you do not fully trust me, Teal'c. Why is this?" Thor asked.

"I believe you have an underlying agenda to beaming up O'Neill rather than all of us." Teal'c said. Subtlety was not one of the Tau'ri things he had studied. It didn't seem of any use to him.

Thor blinked slowly. "I did not want to risk the lives of all of you. It would have been a waste."

"Indeed." Teal'c said again. "Yet you feel no remorse at wasting O'Neill's life?"

"I am confident he would have come up with a solution." Thor said, blinking again.

Teal'c tried not to let the blinking hypnotise him. "Would the solution have involved the remaining escape pod?"

Thor blinked again. "It is highly likely."

"Would the solution have involved blowing up the Beliskner and letting the SGC think that both you and O'Neill had perished in the explosion?" This was what Teal'c would have done if he were Thor. A clean break from the military would clear up all difficulties.

Another blink from the Asgard told Teal'c everything. He was used to reading the facial expressions of people who hardly expressed anything.

"I see I did not fool you. What is your problem with this plan?" Thor asked.

"The SGC has great need for O'Neill." Teal'c declared. He leaned closer. "I have great need for O'Neill." He eyed the subject of their conversation, but he was still busy with the stones.

Thor blinked. "I understand. I believe we must settle this now."

"Indeed we must. However, I do not believe the Jaffa way would be sufficient. It consists of physical competition." Teal'c would not enter in unfair competition over something so important. His Jaffa honour would not allow it.

"The Asgard way would not be sufficient either. I am in no condition right now." Thor said.

"The Tau'ri decide important matters by flipping a coin." Teal'c said. "But I do not have any coins with me."

Jack had gotten bored with the stones and technobabble and wandered over to Teal'c and Thor. "Thor, buddy, how's it going?"

"Not well. We are trying to reach a decision. It is most difficult." Thor explained.

"Well, you could always try rock, scissors, papers." Jack said. As far as he was concerned, that decided everything.

Thor nodded. "A good idea. We shall commence with this 'rock, paper, scissors', O'Neill. You shall be the judge."

"Wait, you know how to play rock, paper, scissors?" Jack asked, a bit surprised.

"Of course we do. We have been kidnapping Tau'ri for years now, O'Neill. How do you think we learned the language?" Thor explained. "Now, quick. Before my condition does not allow it."

After the game, Jack had to conclude that Teal'c had beaten the Asgard fair and square. "What was all this about anyway?" He asked.

"We were deciding who has the right to you, O'Neill." Thor explained. The Jaffa might have beaten him this time, but if they got out of this, he'd have a secret weapon in The O'Neill. O'Neill could not resist him then. Naming spaceships after people usually did the trick.

"Wah?" Jack was confused. More than usual.

Teal'c put his arm around Jack. He gave Thor a stern glare, to let him know who was the victor. "Perhaps next time you will be victorious, Thor."

"Next time? What next time? Don't I get a say in this?" Jack was even more confused now.

"You do not, O'Neill. Fate has decided for you. Do not worry, I will be gentle."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own Stargate SG-1 or anything like it.  
Setting: During Nemesis. 

Thor hadn't been pleased by the outcome. The idea that that filthy Goa'uld larvae carrying Jaffa scum was going to touch his Jack made him almost look angry.

"Come, O'Neill, we must have intercourse at once," Teal'c intoned, grabbing Jack's arm.

"Wha?"

Thor quickly fired the secret laser gun he kept in his bed. Teal'c dropped dead.

"Wha?"

"Do not worry O'Neill. He died quick and painless. Come here, and heal me with your love."

"Wha?" Then Jack realised Thor was talking about sex. "Wha?"

"My condition is such that it can only be healed through sexual intercourse with a male human from Earth." Thor said.

"Oh. Are you sure?"

Thor blinked meaningfully. "I have a very specific condition that means only American men who are officers in the Air Force can heal me. You must have intercourse with me or the Asgard-Earth alliance will fail. And I will die."

It sounded reasonable enough. "Okay. So, how does this work then?"

Thor told him the settings for the stones on the information spouting machine for an instructional video.

Jack watched, amazed. "So this is why you kept kidnapping people from Earth! You were making porn!"

"How do you think we can afford to build these ships, O'Neill? Now, will you heal me?"

"Sure."

And then they did sex. And it was good for both, and Thor lived, and Jack eloped with him in the secret escape pod Thor had secretly stashed away somewhere and lived happily ever after.

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